Your Super Hero Journey: Healthy Boundaries

I had a client who shared with me a story of how they set a boundary with their employer. When they were hired, they told their new boss that they could work three days each week. They already had another part time job, and were enrolled in a Master’s program. They informed their employer of both of their prior commitments and obligations. So, when the boss asked them to pick up a fourth day because the company really needed them that week, they said no. Sounds great, right? It would be, except that instead of just saying no, they told their boss that they had to meet with advisors the day she was scheduled. They told a little white lie to stick to their boundaries.

“Lying isn’t setting boundaries,” I said, “it’s avoiding them.”

This person could have just as easily said, “Thank you, but I can’t. Don’t hesitate to ask me for extra shifts in the future, but right now I do not have the bandwidth to take on another shift this week.”

Many of us like to think that lying to set boundaries is okay. Much of what people say falls into the category of little white lies. I can understand and even appreciate the need for a little white lie here and there, to not cause unnecessary pain, for instance. But one has to be careful. White lies can become addictive, and white can get dirty so easily.

Setting good boundaries doesn’t involve justifying the no or creating excuses. Oftentimes, I hear complaints that someone in a person’s life keeps crossing boundaries. But then it comes to light that the other person was not even aware that they were crossing a boundary because it was never established or agreed to. Although not all boundaries needed to be stated outright, those in close, deep, ongoing relationships should clearly state boundaries, like expectations. These things need to be discussed and agreed upon. Otherwise, you won’t know when you’re crossing one, and you won’t have the right to call someone else out for respecting a boundary that they didn’t know existed.

Most of our boundaries are internal. For instance, in this person’s case, they didn’t state that their boss couldn’t simply ask if they could work one day more than what was previously agreed upon. The boss did not explicitly cross a boundary there. My client’s boundary was internal. They set this schedule limit for themself knowing that they had other obligations to balance. This is good and easy to do. The hard part comes in when our internal boundaries are tested. When my client was asked if they could work an extra shift, they didn’t feel that they could outright say “No, it’s not in my best interest” without excuses and lies.

We have to be careful that boundaries aren’t solely internalized, not clearly expressed, ignored by the person who sets them, and/or entwined with issues of self-worth, the need to please, or victim mentalities.

Setting boundaries is important, but even more important is understanding why you are setting them. 

And what’s most important? Stepping into those boundaries in a way that ensures others know and understand what they are. You are not setting good boundaries by lying, making excuses, becoming passive-aggressive, or turning into a bully when boundaries are crossed. If you are a parent doing any of these things, you are sending all the wrong messages to your children. If you’re uncomfortable with a boundary, figure out whether it’s something within you, or something within the boundary that needs to shift. Then, shift it.

Empowerment is the power to be uniquely who you are, without apology. True power comes from an inner sense of self. And true power, lived daily, evolving with wisdom, becomes a superpower of sorts. And with that superpower you get to be the hero you came here to be.