Mixed Messages
We send a number of mixed messages to our youth. We tell them to shoot for the stars but to remember their limitations. We guide them to be an individual, as long as they fit in with the “options” we have given them. We encourage them to take risks but nothing too risky, or not to take too many risks. As if all those messages are not confusing enough, we tell them to think for themselves and then tell them what to think. Yikes.
We celebrate only the rebels who rebel and “win” while equally condemning the rebels who rebel and “lose”. Unfortunately, it is rarely the rebel who knows ahead of time what the future holds, so in the end the message is to not rebel at all, at least not without guarantees – and we all know what kind of guarantees life comes with.
The mixed messages go on and on.
So the question is: Are the guiding forces of our children hypocritical in nature, confusing, or do we just not know what we are talking about? First it’s important to establish who “we” is referring to. In this instance “we” means the parents, the educators, the media, the social structures, the churches, any and all support systems, the ones to whom our youth look to. “We” means the people or groups to emulate, to learn from, and to be guided by.
The second question I need you to consider is: Are you part of the “we”? Do you play those roles to any of the youth in your life, intentionally or not? This is not meant to pass judgement or to criticize – you too had a “we” from whom you learned and were guided by when you were younger.
Now let’s break down the greater issue into smaller problems we can identify and examine. The first and easiest problem to recognize is that the more people involved in a process, the more confusing the messages that are given out are going to be. You never want to have too many cooks in the kitchen.
The second problem is that there are often inconsistencies within the same group (school, church, family). A child might get one set of messages from one teacher and a completely different one from another. Arguably even more confusing is for a child to get one set of messages from one parent, and a different one from another parent; in blended families there may be four different messages sent to a child concerning the same idea, belief, or way of being in the world. Then there are the multi-generational relationships and the contradictions they bring- one set of messages from the parents and another one from the grandparent(s).
The third problem is that there are conflicting messages within the same person. The more the child looks up to, respects, or feels dependent upon that adult, the more confusing and damaging that message might be. That conflict may be created by verbal inconsistencies, but more often than not the culprit here is a classic case of saying one thing and doing another, or “do as I say but not as a I do”.
Now we have outlined the problems, how about some solutions?
There are four simple steps which can help your child maneuver through the jungle of mixed messages.
1. Check in and see where your personal inconsistencies are.
Are you saying things that actually represent what you believe and how you act within the world, or do you have internal inconsistencies that you have not come to terms with yet? Being self-aware and willing to question and analyze your thoughts and behaviors helps you to be a better parent to your child.
2. Listen to what you are saying.
When dealing with parents in my practice, I often encounter the following scenario. One parent will point out something that the other has said more than once to a child that they disagree with. Once this is brought to the attention of the second parent, they are horrified- they are saying things that they heard as a child and hated! And they don’t even realize they are saying it.
3. Respond to your child with honesty when you don’t know or are inconsistent.
Often parents will sidestep when their children are pointing out their inconsistencies or asking for clarification on something that the parent has said because they don’t know how to respond. Somewhere along the way, parents got duped into believing that when it comes to their children they should be all knowing and all powerful. They struggle to admit when they don’t know something or are wrong. When your child doesn’t understand or questions something, it’s not enough to find another way of saying it. Make sure you check in on what you are saying and why you are saying it.
4. Teach your child critical thinking skills.
Critical thinking skills are one of the most important things that you can and should teach your child. Help them develop the ability to think through what they are seeing, hearing, and experiencing. Develop their ability to discern what is right and wrong for themselves. Encouraging conversations, back and forth discussion, and healthy debate helps your child stretch their abilities to understand and puzzle things out on their own.
No matter what role you play in a child’s life, you can’t always be there for them, nor should you be. Each step in a child’s life is to help them move to the discovery and understanding of themselves and their place in the world, as well as giving them the tools and skills to live happy and fulfilled lives. Confusing them with contradictions, whether those contradictions are between parents, between words and actions, or between telling them what to think or who to be, does not work in the end. The life they live now as a child is not the same life you lived as a child. Don’t lead them to feel that their value or worth is in trying to be a mini you, or that their goal in life is to be exactly who you want them to be.
You may not have all of the answers and that’s okay. You may even at times find your child has the answers and a better understanding of something than you do. Follow their lead and see where it takes you, together.
