Children Will Listen

What do you find yourself saying to your child these days? Do your actions tell them a different story? Do you tell them they are loved, yet find little time to spend with them? Is that time spent exploring who they are, or is it spent telling them why they are wrong or bad? Do you tell them that they should never lie, and let them hear you lie? Do you tell them to be kind, only for them to witness you being unkind?

Do you encourage children to stand up? To be proud of who they are? To be themselves? Do you expect them to change, and force them into a neat little mold when they aren’t what you or the school system thinks they should be?

If not, it’s important to be both honest and consistent with your child. Tell them that possessions and stature are more important than they are. Let them know that, no matter the cost, you want them to be someone they can be proud of. Let them know that fitting in and losing themselves are more important than rocking the boat, staying true to yourself, or fighting for what you believe in.

Be honest, don’t be a hypocrite. Don’t confuse children, let them know that you never did the work to fix the issues from your own childhood. That they get to play out all of the insecurities and other dysfunctions that you avoided. Be up front with the fact that you did not have children to guide, support, advocate, and fight for them, but because you were “supposed to” have kids. Let them know that the burden to make you look good is now on their shoulders. At least you are being honest in the long run, because children will listen, watch, and learn. And maybe, just maybe, they won’t do to their children what you did to them.

Not once in all my years of working with families and children have I ever suggested this, of course, but I have witnessed these types of scenarios, heard the hypocrisies, and seen the damage or potential damage far more than I would ever hope to. We underestimate children and their abilities to learn, to emulate, to imitate, and to apply what they pick up on from us.

I recognize the pressure that parents are under to have all the answers, and the insecurities and frustrations they experience when they realize they don’t have it all figured out. No parent is perfect and capable of being the perfect role model for their child. But what they can do, at the very least, is make sure that what they want their children to learn will be reinforced by how well they can practice what they preach.