Shame versus Pride

Pride Month is important for the mental and emotional health of the LGBTQ+ community as a necessary and essential counter to an increasingly hostile world.

Even ordinary heteronormativity can create a feeling of unbelonging for rainbow folk; the increasingly weaponised heteronormativity, insisting any love not between a man and a woman, any life not falling strictly into a binary category, is wrong and must be removed from society, is designed to create a deep and abiding sense of shame. This shame is becoming lethal for many people, young and old, and must be countered.

For the sake of easing discussion, here’s some definitions:

Pride

“A self-conscious emotion that occurs when a goal has been obtained and one’s achievement has been recognized and approved by others” [APA]; “A sense of one’s own proper dignity or value; self-respect” [American Heritage Dictionary]

Shame

“The painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed, and thus unworthy of love” [Brene Brown]; “A painful emotion caused by the awareness of having done something wrong or foolish” [American Heritage Dictionary]

Despair

“The emotion of helplessness, that things are profoundly wrong and will not change for the better” [Erik Erikson]

F.U.D.

A manipulative propaganda tactic used in technology sales, marketing, public relations, politics, polling, and cults. FUD is generally a strategy to influence perception by disseminating negative and dubious or false information and is a manifestation of the appeal to fear [Wikipedia]

To quote Brene Brown further, “shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” This is what makes F.U.D. tactics of the current administration so effective: negative and dubious information is seeded, leaving the target feeling vulnerable yet less psychologically able to seek outside reassurance for their vulnerability, instead seeking reassurance from the manipulative authority creating the fear.

This, in turn, undermines self-respect; self-respect is fundamentally derived from feeling worthy of love and respect. This can be amplified by toxic positivity; if we must be positive constantly, this can further feelings of shame and unworthiness, creating a further spiral into the depths of despair, as even our support network becomes a source of painful emotion.

The counter to despair is to show things can change for the better, if only for a day. The counter to shame, the experience of feeling we have done something wrong by existing, is to feel the approval of others. To know we are enough; to feel Pride.

Pride Marches must be public, and not afraid to be messy. The emphasis of these celebrations must be on showing change is possible, creating public community where we are proud of each other, and helping each other replace the monotonous negativity with vivid, bright, beautiful community we build for each other.